It is possible that my salvation lies inside this inconspicuous box. Do all anti-depressants make this sad attempt at cheerfulness? Crayon scratchings equal mental health?
Finally gave in to Therapist, and went to see Psychiatrist, who gave me a little su’im su’im for my blues. Talking about it is no big deal, but aren’t the meds meant for the actual c-r-a-z-i-e-s? For some reason I keep flashing to Carrey as Ace Ventura in that pink tutu. No, just…no. Part of me whispers to squirrel them away then hold out for the other psychotropic drugs to mix them with, brought to you by the words coma, rare fatal outcome, and no specific antidote known.
I do want the blackness beneath the manic smile to be washed away but…
‘Screw shrinks, I don’t understand why you believe their bullshit, you need to stop thinking that you need these people,’ he says.
‘Sno, stop the drama, mafeech ila il 3afya (there’s nothing the matter with you),’ she scoffs.
‘You just need to find religion,’ he reassures.
‘Everything has to be a big deal with you? After all, you’re only human, and we can’t all be happy all the time.’
I have to ask. What if there’s nothing wrong with me? What if this is the way that it’s supposed to be? There are many other states in which I’d rather be if that’s the case, none of them conscious and aware.
6 comments:
forneus: Been trying to claw my way out of a big one it for 5 years on and off, so when I finally allowed myself to accept help it was… about bloody time. Your questions are of course valid, and the lethargy, disconnect, increased sleeping, and stumbling social and academic lives were of course big clues. It’s just that (I apologize for the following stupidity) what if it’s all in my head? As a product of a society where illness needs physical manifestations, I can’t help my suspicion of mental illness. Despite mental health professionals’ validating of my feelings, I still feel a certain amount of fear that this is of my own invention. Therefore the ranting to a (seemingly) empty space.
I’m not at all creeped out, if only because I usually do the random stalking of commentless blogs myself, if drawn by their content, so being on the receiving end is if anything amusing. I’d say that my comment-free status allows me the freedom to express myself but my vanity and hunger for feedback would make a liar of me. The advice was much appreciated.
can i be of any assistance? ;p well we did a psyh rotation last year, and im pretty sure u aint nuts.. im sure u dont need the meds either.. u just need 2 find the right person 2 talk 2.. hope u got good friends 2 take care of that for u.. :) cheer up (ok i know that didnt help u much at all, but honestly, try 2 cheer up, always find somethin that makes u happy and think about it, or do it or whatever, find something u truly love and enjoy and stick to it,, block away ur bad feelings/thoughts, yes u can do that dont tell me u cant, the human mind is capable of soo much shit u'd b surprised, and ur cure is simply you.. u help urself.. by thinkin straight, cheerfully, life goes on, try reading quran, trust me it helps, try praying more, try a new hobby, there's a million and one things that u can do.. just try.. :) sorry for the long ass comment..
You're not imagining things, but it is also your own invention, if that makes any sense.
Perspective is everything when facing the dark, but chemicals are tricky too, and you might sometimes need chemicals to fight them.
You know yourself better than anyone, so no amount of saying 'hawneeha wit-hoon' will help..but know that we are all fans here and all hoping your skies are brighter however you choose to clear them.( everytime I try to comment it doesn't turn up, so I may be the one writing to the wind here)
I have a thousand brilliant lies
For the question:
How are you?...
If you think that the Truth can be known
From words,
If you think that the Sun and the Ocean
Can pass through that tiny opening Called the mouth,
O someone should start laughing!
Someone should start wildly Laughing –Now!
-
I know the ecstacy of your heart's wings
When they make love agaist the sky
And the sun and Moon
Will someday argue over
Who will tuck you in at night.
By Daniel Ladinsky (his take on Hafez)
Good luck and write more often please.
there's no shame in it.. is all i have to say.
beeen on and off for me for years and years and years. we can talk more if you will. my magic combo is that of lithium and depakote..
others have fucked me up. abused antidepressants and anxiety meds (prescriptions on whims) badly with booze.
was forcefed antipsychotics once and turned into a zombie. stay away from that shit.
i just spent 6 months at an intensive dbt program and its helped more than anything else.
good shrink.
meds can decrease physical vulnerabilities, esp if youre bipolar 1. it can deaden your art but will often times be a nessecary evil.
its funny how i just called meds an 'evil' when my entire life i self medicate with street drugs that wind me up half dead.
psych meds are a better offer than most.
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